


Silver Frosted Linings Songbook

by ChuchiOtaku



Category: Bleach
Genre: Deviates From Canon, F/M, Future Character Death, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Mental Health Issues, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-07-09 22:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19895587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChuchiOtaku/pseuds/ChuchiOtaku
Summary: A painful breakup and a lost friendship lead Rukia and Toushirou to each other, finding solace and strength from the unexpected bond born out of shared heartbreak. But when the past, both theirs and Soul Society’s, come knocking, will the same fate that drew them together be what will drive them apart? HitsuRuki. Part of Bleach Big Bang 2018.





	1. Some Say Love, It is a Razor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LethanWolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LethanWolf/gifts), [avtorSola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avtorSola/gifts).



So here it is, my newest contribution to the Bleach and HitsuRuki fandom, even if my first one isn’t even quarter way done yet. Meep. :D

This fanfic is dedicated to daylight-chan, who stuck with me from the beginnings of my first Bleach work, 4K2. Thanks also to my beta, Sola, and my artist, Jei for contributing their time and effort in making this fic possible.

**Please support the Bleach Big Bang 2018!**

Special Formatting Notes:

**_/This stands for Zanpakuto talking mentally to their masters./_ **

**_This stands for a flashback._ **

_This stands for thoughts._

* * *

**Silver Frosted Linings Songbook**

Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance, Friendship, Hurt & Comfort, Action

Rating: T

Pairings: HitsuRuki, Past IchiRuki, One-sided HitsuHina, One-sided HitsuKarin. Past GinMatsu, RenMatsu, UkitakeUnohana, Implied past UlquiHime, IshiHime. IchiTatsuki.

Warnings: Violence, swearing, dark psychological themes, implied sex and adult situations, character death/s later on. Deviates from canon starting Fake Karakura Town arc. 

General Disclaimer: I don’t own Bleach. All rights go to Kubo Tite-sensei. And regarding the song lyrics I’ll be using, I only use them on the chapter titles and at the close. I don’t claim to own these songs either, nor do I make any profit out of them. The title and artist of the song are at the end of the fic for your guessing pleasure. 

I tried to keep the characters IC as much as possible. I've planned long and hard over the thought processes of the main characters and their actions while considering their personalities, but since we're dealing with heavy mental and emotional issues, some OOC-ness is to be expected. :)

* * *

**Song 1:**

SOME SAY LOVE, IT IS A RAZOR

THAT LEAVES YOUR SOUL TO BLEED.

* * *

**Her world is silent, and for that, Kuchiki Rukia is grateful.**

In the solitude of her room she lay in her futon, quilt over her shoulder, eyes closed and waiting for sleep, even if it was already the middle of the day. But she won’t step outside. She already knew what was there anyway: fair blue skies with cottony clouds to block the high noon sun heat, the cheers of celebrants rejoicing. For after a month of rebuilding and recuperating, Soul Society was finally ready to celebrate its victory over the traitor former captain Aizen Sosuke and the Arrancars.

Not even the regal walls of the Kuchiki Manor were left untouched by the jubilation, as the Kuchiki clan head, Byakuya, opened his gardens and grounds for the momentous occasion. Shinigamis from different divisions—including all of the Sixth—were currently enjoying the best the Kuchiki clan hospitality had to offer, from the most succulent cuisines, to the finest wines, to the most beautiful cherry blossom trees anyone could ever find in Seireitei. 

But she was in no mood to celebrate. Not now, and not within the foreseeable future.

And as they are celebrating over having saved the world, she is lamenting over the destruction of hers.

**_“_** _So that’s it.” Ichigo said flatly from his seat on his bed. “All of my reiatsu’s gone. Soon I won’t be able to see you guys anymore.”_

_The bitter finality in the substitute Shinigami’s tone made Rukia flinch. At the moment, only the two of them were in the room, having asked all of their friends to give them a moment after the somber news. It had been a month since Aizen’s defeat in Ichigo’s hands. And despite her own injuries, she remained steadfast by Ichigo’s side all throughout. Urahara quietly informed her that once Ichigo woke up, there was no telling how little time they had before she vanished from his view forever so they had to make the most of it._

_“Stop that!” Rukia said sharply, squeezing his hand as she tried to bolster his spirit. “Come on, Ichigo, don’t be like this. I’m sure there’s a way for you to regain your reiatsu again. We just need to find it.”_

_But judging by the sudden fire in Ichigo’s eyes, it was the wrong thing to say. “Find what? Are you fucking shitting with me? You heard dad and Urahara!” The teen abruptly tore his hand away from Rukia’s and jerked up from the bed. “After what I did with Zangetsu to beat Aizen, I’ve completely ruined whatever chance I have had to gain my reiatsu back to what it used to be! I can’t be a Shinigami anymore! I won’t even be able to see ghosts! I’m back to being a pathetic fucker who can’t do a damn thing because I had to be hero!”_

_“I…” She swallowed uneasily at the brunt of his anger. “Ichigo, I’m sorry. I just thought that—”_

_“No, you didn’t think! You don’t even understand!” Ichigo spat out. “Do you know the hell I went through to get the kind of strength I needed to have control over my inner Hollow? Do you know how hard it had been for me to just stand aside and watch everyone get their asses kicked because of Aizen? Do you know how it was like for me, to finally be able to beat the bastard only for Urahara to drop the shitbomb on me that I’ve lost my powers in the process? That after all the bullshit I had to go through I won’t even be able to live in the results of our victory? MY victory?!”_

_A choked sob erupted from Ichigo’s throat. “Zangetsu he, he warned me about this. I…I know this was going to happen. I thought I was ready for it. But now…but now…”_

_“Don’t talk like that!” Rukia snapped. “What the hell’s with you? It’s not like you to hang your head and give up like this—!”_

_“And you know what’s worse? It’s that I’ll have to go back and pretend that I can live a normal life after all this! As if I can just turn around and forget everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve worked hard for, everyone I’ve met up to this point, most of who I’ll never see again until the day I die!” Ichigo’s hands grasped at either side of his head. “How the hell am I supposed to do that, Rukia? How can I just go back to living the rest of my life being an ordinary weakling? How can I go back to not having you by my side?! As if all that time with you had been nothing but one sick fantastic joke.”_

_“You won’t have to!” Rukia shouted back, latching onto both of Ichigo’s arms, desperately trying hard to keep her voice steady. “I’ll be here! I’ll always be by your side! I’ll watch over you until we find a way to get your powers back! I can wait, Ichigo! You know I will!”_

_“But they won’t come back, Rukia! You think I didn’t pester those two codgers about reversing the situation somehow?! Do you think I’m just making up the fact that you’re slowly fading out of my sight like some long-term dream? Stop trying to make it as if this is just another test we have to overcome—!”_

_“BECAUSE IT EXACTLY IS ONE, YOU IDIOT—!”_

_“NO, IT’S GODDAMN NOT! FACE THE FUCKING FACTS, RUKIA!” Ichigo roared over Rukia’s protests. “DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU CAN REALLY PLOW THROUGH EVERY ROADBLOCK YOU MEET JUST BECAUSE OF SOME NAKAMA BULLSHIT POWERUP OR THE POWER OF FUCKING LOVE?! THIS ISN’T SOME SHITTY ROMANCE FLICK OR A HALF-ASSED SHOUNEN MANGA! THIS IS LIFE! THIS IS REALITY! AND UNTIL WE FACE THE FACTS AND GROW THE FUCK UP, WE’RE JUST GONNA WASTE THE REST OF OUR LIVES ROTTING OVER NOTHING! AND I HAVE LOST ENOUGH OF MY TIME, OF MY ENERGY AND MY LIFE, TO GIVE UP ANY MORE OVER A BATTLE THAT I WON’T BE ABLE TO WIN!”_

_Rukia’s eyes were wide and shaking along with her lithe form, Ichigo’s words flitting like a ping-pong ball bouncing louder and louder against her skull. “Do you…do you even know what you’re saying right now? Are you—? It’s almost as if you’re actually going to give up, just because Urahara and Isshin said that there’s no other way?! After everything we’ve been through, you’re just going to give up on being a Shinigami?” A hitch, then her head bowed. “You’re actually giving up on us?”_

_The beat that followed was heavy, sharp and uncomfortably cold even for the snow zanpakuto Shinigami who was holding her breath back along with her tears, hoping, praying and begging for Ichigo—her best friend, her savior, her boyfriend, her beloved—would tell her that no, he was not giving up. He was going to fight for their love, much like he had always fought for their friends and for the world. Because she was sure as hell willing to do the same and more for him, only for him, if he would only say—_

_“What other choice do I have?”_

_“…What?” She must have misheard. Her voice in her ears sounded too small for her right now. The air around them was buzzing so painfully it must have affected her hearing. Yes, that must be—_

_“What good would it be for me, to have a girlfriend I can’t see?” Ichigo got up abruptly. “What good would it be for you if your boyfriend is alive and you’re dead, a world away? You have centuries to live your life as a Shinigami. I don’t have that long as a human to live mine.”_

_Dead? Was she really? Because right now, her heart was crushing against her chest so hard it felt like she was having a heart attack on the verge of dying. “You can’t mean…Ichigo, are you…are you actually…?”_

_Ichigo was talking, but try as she might, Rukia can’t make him sound over the pounding of denials in her ears._

_It can’t be. Please it can’t be. Gods please, not this. To anyone who can bother to listen, don’t let him do this…! Don’t do this to me, Kurosaki Ichigo. I love you, you fucking bastard! I love you! I would fight for you! I love you! I would wait forever for you! I LOVE YOU!_

_The brown eyes that caught her violet ones looked so lifeless it was jarringly unrecognizable. To Rukia, it felt like it was actually Ichigo who was vanishing from her sight with all the tears blurring her last vision of the orange head who stole her heart before pounding and shattering it to a thousand pieces before his feet._

_“—can’t continue with us being like this.” Ichigo paused, drawing breath, before letting the hammer fall. “I…I love you, Rukia. I really do. What we had has been like a dream, really, but all dreams come to an end. We’ll be worlds apart for the next several decades, and there’s nothing we can do about that. So this is…this has to be goodbye.”_

****

* * *

**His world is silent, and for that, Hitsugaya Toushirou wants to curse everyone in it.**

Normally, Toushirou loved the quiet. It meant that he could get some peace from his overly enthusiastic vice-captain, meditate undisturbed and maybe get some shut eye in. It was a welcome reprieve for the 10th Division Captain who is often swamped with work, responsibilities and troubles that it felt like he was centuries older than he really was from all the stress.

But today, he absolutely hates it, because in this silence, the noise in his head seems to find ground to grow louder and stronger to the point that it physically grated on his skull. The silence made him dwell on nothing but the things that made his chest roll and clench with the rising hackles of his anger, the vestiges of hurt, regret and loathing entwining. 

His Division is empty today, with everyone being too busy with the post war celebrations to be bothered with work. From what he knew, he could guess that his squad members were either at the 11th Division’s raunchy, free flowing sake-filled party; or at the more properly, if not over exuberantly, organized party at the Kuchiki family grounds. What he did know for certain was that his second-in-command, Matsumoto Rangiku, was not among the partygoers. After everything that happened at the war, including the death of her childhood friend, Ichimaru Gin, she had taken the opportunity to retreat somewhere and properly grieve. 

While he did willingly give her (and everyone else in his Division) the time off for the rest of the day, a part of him was really regretting that decision, with now being one of the rare opportunities where he actually wished he was being bombarded by Matsumoto’s incessant chatter instead of…this.

Scratch silence. Today, he doubtlessly abhors everything and anything in general.

Because while the world is celebrating for the peace it had finally found, Toushirou was mourning the friendship he had lost completely in return.

_“STAY BACK!” was the first thing Hinamori Momo screamed when she first laid her eyes on him._

_Thanks to the tireless efforts of 4 th Division Captain Unohana and her Lieutenant, Kotetsu, his childhood friend had been saved from death by her fatal injuries—the ones that he had mindlessly caused because of that son of a bitch Aizen Sosuke. Since his own awakening from his healed wounds, Toushirou waited tirelessly by Hinamori’s side, hoping and praying to the gods to not take her away from him, to give him the chance to make up for this mistake and for every other opportunity he had royally fucked up in protecting her._

_Some captain he made. For all his so-called prodigious power and intellect, he couldn’t even protect this one girl he had secretly liked. Oh, he would deny it before anyone who knew him well enough to see (Matsumoto and Ukitake), but the fact remained that he liked Momo beyond friendship for quite some time now. What stopped from acting on those feelings (and their further development) were the obvious infatuation and hero worship the girl had for Aizen, the fact that he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body no matter how much he secretly wished for it, and his own trepidation that a confession will ruin their relationship._

_If only he had known that it wouldn’t have mattered either way. That he would lose Hinamori’s friendship no matter what he would have done…_

_“Hinamori, calm down. It’s just me.” Toushirou said levelly, a far cry from the precarious way his heart was cracking all over inside him. “You’re here in the 4 th Division infirmary. The war is over. Ai—the traitors were all defeated. You’re safe—”_

_“NO! DON’T TOUCH ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!” Hinamori, however, continued to scream and jerk wildly, scrambling to get as far from him as possible within the confines of her bed. “STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU MONSTER!”_

_The white-haired boy felt as if he had been frozen inside out by his own bankai. “Hina—Momo, what are you—?”_

_“Hinamori-fukutaichou?” He heard Unohana enter the room from behind, her voice soft and concerned, but he couldn’t bring himself to look back. He couldn’t even bring himself to move from where Hinamori’s wide, teary and accusing glare kept him in place._

_“You tried to kill me! No matter how hard I begged for you to stop, to tell me just what I did wrong, you wouldn’t—!” Hinamori’s hands flew to her ears as she shook her head frantically. “I thought you were my friend! I loved you like a brother! I trusted you, and look what you did to me! How could you, Hitsugaya Toushirou? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”_

_“I…” Toushirou hated how his voice broke then but he couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I thought you were the enemy. HE made me think you were the enemy. I swear, Momo, I’d never—”_

_“LIAR!” Hinamori cut him off viciously before sharply turning to the wide-eyed Unohana. “Ask the other captains, Unohana-taichou! They all saw it! They all saw him—what he did to me! He froze me! Then stabbed me with his sword! Then froze me again! Stabbed me again! Froze me again! Stabbed me again! Crushing and crunching and twisting and the squelching and the twisting, hurting!” The girl shook horribly, wrapping her arms around herself as she curled into a fetal position. “It hurts, Unohana-taichou! It hurts so much! Make it stop! It hurts, please make it stop! Make HIM stop!”_

_“Momo, that wasn’t…I didn’t…!” The younger Shinigami protested weakly over Unohana’s attempts to calm and reorient the harried girl. But Hinamori was far from done._

_“He was screaming that inhuman sound, like a caged animal. So angry, so cold, so strong. And blood. Blood. Bloody blood. So much blood!” Nails dug into the brown-haired girl’s scalp, enough to draw crimson. “I’m scared. I’m so scared. He could have—he WANTED to tear me apart! He was going to kill me, after everything we’ve been through. Unohana-taichou, you can’t let him near me! You can’t let him around anyone! He—he’s just going to get anyone who gets close to him killed! He’s a monster, just like that man! He’s no different from that horrid man! A RUTHLESS, HEARTLESS MONSTER!”_

_“No…” Of all the things she could have hurt him with…to actually say he was just like Aizen… Toushirou felt his legs become wobbly. “Momo, you can’t mean that…!”_

_“I don’t want to hear any more of your lies! I’m not letting you hurt me again! I’m not letting anyone, not him, not you! Never again! Get out!”_

_“Momo, please—! I’m sorry—!"_

_“GET OUT, YOU MONSTER! I HATE YOU! GET OUT!” A pillow was flung into the air. “I SAID GET OUT!”_

* * *

**“Rukia, you up?”**

Renji fidgeted uneasily from his seat outside the girl’s bedroom door, a tray of food on his left. Like the rest of his Division mates, he was supposed to be here to partake in the victory celebration in full swing at the Kuchiki manor grounds. Everyone else was freely enjoying their reprieve, gorging on every bit of food and drink they could reach, participating in the games, and watching some other poor sods make utter drunken fools of themselves.

But despite the others’ (including Hisagi and Kira’s) urgings, Renji just couldn’t bring himself to join wholeheartedly in the merry making like he usually would. Not when his best friend’s heart had been completely shattered by the fucking idiot of a substitute Shinigami.

Renji is, and will always be, grateful to Ichigo’s part in defeating Aizen, who is currently locked up in the deepest parts of Seireitei with the most powerful containing seals known to Shinigami. But whatever gratitude—or feelings of camaraderie, really—that Renji had for the ryoka were savagely overridden by the rage he fought hard to contain since the moment he saw Rukia running out of Urahara’s clinic that fateful day in tears.

Rukia had never been the one to break so easily, more so in front of others. Even back when their friends died in Inuzuru, the raven head was an epitome of strength far beyond her size, only crying silent tears as she methodically helped Renji bury the remains. But that day, she crumbled in Renji’s arms in painful angry sobs, shaking so badly that the red head had actually been afraid. And when he found out exactly what drove Rukia to that state, Renji only managed two mean right hooks to Ichigo’s mug before Sado and Yoruichi managed to drag him away.

 _How dare he?_ Renji’s fists balled on his pant leg. _How dare that bastard? After he promised me that he would take care of Rukia, that he would never do something like this to her! After saying that the differences between himself and Rukia didn’t matter because they were so fucking in love? I never should have trusted that idiot!_

But what was done was done. All Renji could do back then was to take the exhausted Rukia back to Seireitei and endure the interrogations from Ukitake and Byakuya regarding her disheveled state.

All that happened five days ago, and Rukia had yet to emerge from the Kuchiki manor to rejoin society. Renji was informed that she had fallen ill, and that the clan head’s strict order was for the household to allow Rukia to take some time off to rest. That, however, did not include not coming down to eat something, so Renji was able to convince one of the maids to let him bring the food tray to Rukia’s room. It was good an excuse as any to see her again after that disaster…

“Renji?” The tall man blinked out of his reverie when the door slid open, with Rukia peering behind it. The petite girl looked paler than he remembered, making her red-rimmed eyes stand out even more against the pasty skin, her black hair limp and ruffled. It took Renji everything he had to not scream in frustration at the sight. This was not how his childhood friend should be.

“Rukia.” He began instead. “Hey, it’s been a while. How are you feeling?” Stupid question, he knew, but he didn’t really know how to start the conversation.

If she thought the same, the little Kuchiki did not show it. “Getting by, I guess. Sorry for not coming out so much lately. I haven’t been feeling well, not since…”

“Hey, it’s OK. The maids told me you were feeling under the weather. Don’t stress yourself out over it.” Renji handed the tray next to him to Rukia. “They also told me you haven’t had anything since this morning, so here. It even has your favorites in it so dig in!”

Rukia regarded the tray of rice dumplings, cucumber slices in vinegar, mochi and green tea with blank eyes before taking it off Renji’s hands. “Thanks, Renji.”

Renji cleared his throat. “No problem.”

An uneasy silence ticked by before Rukia spoke again. “…You shouldn’t be here.”

“Huh?”

“You should be out at the gardens, with everyone, celebrating.” The smaller Shinigami clarified, tugging at the sleeves of her yukata. “You fought just as hard as…the others. You deserve to be out there, not here, stuck in this rut with me.”

“Don’t talk like that, idiot!” The red head gritted his teeth in an effort to keep calm and not charge to the senkaimon and rip Ichigo a new one. “You think I can really be happy out there while you’re sick? Would you be able to if it was me being like that?”

Rukia said nothing, merely dropping her gaze to her lap.

“And it’s not just me who’s worried. I ran into Ukitake-san just now, and he’s been asking about you. He sends his regards by the way, and hopes you get better soon. And also…” Renji’s eyes swept to the side, to the shadow that he knew was there but was expertly masking its presence. 

“I apologize for needlessly worrying everyone—”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. We know how difficult it’s been, for you to go through that on top of the whole mess with Aizen.” Renji bit his lip. “But…Rukia, you’re not alone in this, you know that, right? We’re all here for you. Just tell us how we can help. I…I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“Renji…”

He hated the way his old friend said his name just now, as if just one more push would cause her to shatter before his eyes. In a surge of boldness, he grasped her thin white hand to his. “You’ve survived Inuzuru, Soul Society and Aizen fucking with your life, and everything in else in between. So don’t…” He clenched his jaw. “After everything…don’t let this beat you. Because you’re stronger than this…and you mean too much for us to just let you lose. Don’t ask me to stand by and let you not come back from this.”

_I just got my best friend back, Rukia. Don’t make me lose her all over again._

Rukia met his eyes, as if looking for something behind his dark orbs, before she squeezed his hand. “You should be getting back to the party now. I’ll just take my meal here. Thank everyone out there for looking out for me, and please send Nii-sama my utmost apologies for being a burden to him again.”

“Rukia—” Renji tried to speak but the black haired girl shook her head.

“You’re the best friend anyone can ever ask for, and I’m glad you’re mine.” Even her smile looked so sad it hurt. “Thank you, Renji. Thank you.”

Renji didn’t know how long he sat there, body rigid and fists shaking before the closed bedroom door in frustration and worry. He didn’t know what was worse for him now, seeing Rukia fall apart violently or seeing her as an epitome of calm apathy that still failed to mask completely her downward slide.

Damn it all, his best friend was suffering so much, and he had no idea what to do to make it better!

A flare of reiatsu made Renji’s eyes snap back to the corner he was staring at a while ago. The shadow that once occupied it had gone.

The red head sighed as he got up. It wouldn’t do for his captain to get in trouble for attempting to murder the savior of both worlds, no matter how much said idiot deserved it.

* * *

**_It’s getting cold out._ **

Rangiku Matsumoto sighed somberly over the chill that was starting to set on her shoulders. She had just been from North Rukongai, in the district where she and Gin first met, politely declining invitations to join the festivities currently being thrown all around Soul Society. She might have found Hisagi’s disturbed expression over her rejecting free sake amusing if she could feel any kind of joy today.

But her heart is currently too heavily burdened to acknowledge anything but sadness.

Gin was in the forefront of her mind. Who would have thought that that idiot would have went so far to play traitor to Soul Society just to lie in wait by Aizen’s side and attempt to kill him when the time was right? All that foolishness just to avenge her? She didn’t even remember much about what that mad Shinigami did to her personally. For Gin to waste the last years of his life wanting revenge for a slight that she couldn’t recall in the slightest… 

It looked so idiotic and senseless now, especially when it cost her the life of her old friend.

 _You big idiot._ She thought morosely. _To think you’d go that far for me, when all I really wanted was to have you by my side. You were never able to understand that, but for some reason, despite everything, I could never stop loving you. And now you left me alone to deal with this pain that I never asked for. You’re such a cheater._

She felt her eyes burn again so she stubbornly scrubbed at them. She had cried enough at their old shanty in the district to become sick of the act. Now she just wanted to catch up with the free sake she had missed, preferably in a dark corner where no one else will bother her. Her captain had the leniency to give her the time off for that very purpose, after all.

 _Taichou…_ That boy was another source of her worries. As of late, Hitsugaya had been visibly short with almost anyone and anything. He always had a temper problem, but after the Winter War, his fuse had gone incredibly shorter; and whenever he would flare up, his anger was one step away from being physically violent. His reiatsu had also been in a very delicate state, the air dropping tens of degrees at random times, creating frost in the office over some careless remark, or even affecting Soul Society’s weather.

Rangiku had hoped that Hinamori waking up will be the start of making everything better, but even that had apparently been too much to ask. She had been there when Hitsugaya witnessed Hinamori coming undone, and since then, neither of them had gone back to visit, partly because Unohana gently advised against it. 

She knew it wasn’t Hinamori’s fault that the other lieutenant had been mentally and emotionally broken by Aizen long before that monumental disaster two days ago. Still, Rangiku could not help the tinge of spite she felt for the girl on Hitsugaya’s behalf. Her captain already felt so much guilt over being tricked into attacking his dear childhood friend. But to hear the accusations from Hinamori herself, and to be called a monster like Aizen…

The strawberry blonde-haired woman had been worried for the little captain she loved as her surrogate brother. She had wanted to stay with him as much as she could, to show him that he wasn’t alone and that she didn’t think she was the monster Hinamori accused him of, but Hitsugaya insisted—ordered, actually— that she took the day off much like everyone else had.

A sliver of white caught her periphery, making her turn her head and catch the teal gaze of the boy who occupied her thoughts. “Taichou?”

The boy captain looked worse than the last time Rangiku saw him (which was just this morning!) His eyes were blank and unfocused, his face hard, his entire form radiating frosty reiatsu. It appeared that he didn’t notice her until she called him, and the way he blinked as if waking from a dream (or a nightmare), she had a feeling he didn’t even know where his feet took him. 

Still, his face relaxed the smallest bit when he saw her. “Matsumoto? What are you doing here?”

“Just taking a walk. Hard to believe but I’m not really in the mood to join the others in the party.” Rangiku said with a slight frown. “But shouldn’t I be asking you that question, taichou? You’re heading towards Kokuryoumon.”

Hitsugaya scoffed. “It’s none of your business.”

Matsumoto met it with a narrowed glance. “Do you even know where you’re going right now?”

The way the white-haired boy’s eyes darkened said it all. Matsumoto sighed. “Let’s just head back, taichou. It’s about to get dark soon.”

“…Quiet.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s too quiet.” The boy gritted out, making Rangiku blink in confusion. “It’s too quiet back in the Division. There’s no one else there.”

“I see.” The blonde Shinigami said slowly. “Well, isn’t that a good thing? You always said the Division is usually too noisy for you to focus on anything.”

Definitely the wrong thing to say, Rangiku realized when the air around her became much colder to the point that she wouldn’t be surprised if it snowed right there and then. “T—taichou, your reiatsu—!”

Hitsugaya let out a growl as he walked past her. “Do what you want.”

“Taichou, wait, please!” Rangiku blurted desperately, and to her relief, her captain halted even if he did not turn to face her. “I…I can’t even begin to understand, how much that incident at the 4th Division had upset you. But I’m worried about you—”

“You shouldn’t be.” Hitsugaya said sharply. “I’m not the one still confined in there.” 

“That doesn’t mean you’re not hurting yourself if things go on like this!” Rangiku knew she was overstepping boundaries, but she needed to get through him. “What happened to Hinamori was terrible, but that wasn’t your fault—”

“I ran Hyourinmaru through her—”

“It was an accident! Aizen tricked you! You never meant to hurt her!”

“But I walked right into that bastard’s trap, and that’s my fault!” Hitsugaya whirled around to face her. “I promised myself, Matsumoto! I said I would protect her! Instead, I let her get hurt so many times, the last one being by my own hand! My own sword hurt the one I love! So what if I’m hurting myself being like this? It’s not that I don’t deserve it!”

Rangiku gaped at him, utterly bewildered. This was the first time the perpetually closed off Hitsugaya opened up like this to her. While it had been her fond wish for him to be comfortable enough around her to do so one day, she never wanted it to be like this. 

“And now she’s too scared to be in the same room as me, to even _look_ at me. I really am a…” Hitsugaya grit his teeth, one hand clutching his chest with crushing force. The sight of it made Rangiku’s heart ache. For all his terrifying power and genius intellect…to see her captain so lost and hurting like this… 

“Taichou…” The shorter Shinigami turned away as abruptly as he faced her, and before she could gather her wits, he promptly shunpoed away. “No, taichou, don’t—!”

Rangiku let out a cry of frustration when there had been no answer. He took off too fast for her to guess where he went, and it was beyond the reach of her senses when she flared out her reiatsu to find his. 

_Why does he have to be so stubborn?_ She thought, her eyes burning again but for a whole new reason as his words from before echoed all around her skull. _You can’t honestly believe that, taichou. Is that why you won’t let me or anyone else help you? Because you believe Hinamori is right? Because you really think you deserve this?_

“Good grief. We finally managed to beat Aizen. Things are supposed to turn for the better now.” She let out a watery chuckle. “Then why is everything just keep getting worse? Haven’t we suffered enough? Hasn’t _he_ suffered enough?”

She rested her back against a nearby tree, head tilted up to the darkening heavens that she couldn’t really see over her blurring vision. _You were supposed to help make him better, Hinamori. You were supposed to finally be happy together, because you’re the only one who he really lets in._ She placed a hand over her eyes. _What am I going to do, Gin? I’d give anything to help him, but he won’t let me. At this rate, he probably won’t let anyone. Who is supposed to save taichou from himself now?_

“…Matsumoto-fukutaichou?”

 _What, who…?_ Aquamarine eyes blinked in surprise before a pair of worried twin violets. 

“K—Kuchiki-san?”

* * *

JUST REMEMBER, IN THE WINTER, FAR BENEATH THE BITTER SNOW.

LIES THE SEED, THAT WITH THE SUN’S LOVE, IN THE SPRING, BECOMES THE ROSE.

* * *

And that's it for the first part.

I know I'm bending the rules regarding the Bang's post 15K on the publishing week requirement, but I really feel that I need to test the waters first on this work. *gulp* Let me know what you guys think! Should I continue? Either way, if you've read this far, I hope you found it worth the reading effort.

Till next time!

 **Today’s Song:** The Rose by Beth Middler


	2. The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway

I. LIVE!

For like five minutes to upload this. :D

To everyone else who reviewed, thank you so much for all your encouragement. As long as you guys are still reading this, SFLS will live on!

(4K2 will get updated. I just need to stay dead for a few more weeks...)

Hit it!

* * *

**SONG 2:**

**THE WIND IS HOWLING LIKE THIS SWIRLING STORM INSIDE.**

**COULDN'T KEEP IT IN. HEAVEN KNOWS I'VE TRIED.**

* * *

**In one of the farthest corners of Seireitei was a deep, dark cave, so isolated from Soul Society that its very bellows were so cold it could burn even an ice wielding Shinigami.**

Toushirou discovered it once completely by chance during one of his patrols before he became captain. Though the air of the whole cave usually made him uncomfortable enough to stay away most of the time, whenever he felt particularly angry—worse, bordering to violent—he would find this very cave to be a safe retreat.

Safe in the sense that here, he would not be able to hurt someone else.

Here, Toushirou could let loose the biting, freezing wrath of his ice without restraint. Let the darkest forms of his rage free without fear of judgment or reprimand. Succumb to his rawest weaknesses that made him easily see within what Hinamori had feared so much.

" _ **STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU MONSTER!"**_

There was no escaping her.

No matter where Toushirou ran, the ghost of Hinamori's cries were forever hot on his heels, languished with pain and rage that stuck to him like a scalding second skin. It came to him in his dreams, it hounded him during his work, it turned every waking moment into a breathing nightmare.

" _ **NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!"**_

" _ **I thought you were my friend! I trusted you, and look what you did to me!"**_

He let out a roar as he slammed his sword to the ground, unleashing a violent blast of cold wind and adding another layer to the floor swathed in ice. It was what he had been doing for a while now, party training himself to be able to better wield his bankai, and partly letting loose the pain and rage that threatened to consume him from the inside.

The kaleidoscope of nightmares so intense that it blocked him from hearing his own zanpakuto's voice. Never in his life had he felt so desolate and hopelessly alone.

Yet some twisted part of him relished the torment, because it was nothing less than what he deserved.

" _ **How could you, Hitsugaya Toushirou? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"**_

" _ **I HATE YOU! GET OUT! I SAID GET OUT!"**_

Another roar. Another slash. Another pillar of ice.

Toushirou's breath came in harsh pants, his body shaking from his continued exertion, but he tightened his hold on his sword and beat his icicle wings to lift him higher.

_More. This can't be it. More. More._

The ice wielding captain swung his sword, summoning a tower of frost before slashing it into pieces.

_I'm not. I'm not a monster. I'm not like him._

He drove his sword to the ceiling floor, causing an eruption of frozen stalactites.

_I have to be stronger that this._

He descended as a furious blizzard, blade aimed at the ground…

_I AM MORE THAN—_

" _ **He's no different from that horrid man! A RUTHLESS, HEARTLESS MONSTER!"**_

" _NO!_ " The momentary slip of focus made him miss his landing, resulting in him landing gracelessly a few feet off his mark.

_Motherfuckingdamnit!_ Toushirou stabbed furiously at the ground with a harsh shout, making stalagmites burst into a circle around him.

_I'm not a monster._

_I'm not like that bastard._

_I'm not a monster._

… _Aren't I?_

Pain seized him at his doubt, and his frosty reiatsu came out in full swing.

Roaring rang in his ears, though he could no longer tell whether it was his voice, the blizzard made by his power or Hyourinmaru.

But Hyourinmaru as of late had been so far out of his reach. Hyourinmaru, his constant support and source of wisdom, who kept the nightmares away and spurred him towards his dreams and goals when no one else believed he could do it. The youth could still feel the ice dragon deep within him, but was unable to connect with him the way he had always been able to.

Had even his closest confidant given up on him? Toushirou's eyes burned at the very thought. Had the zanpakuto spirit seen what he had become and what he truly was?

_I'm not…a monster. I…I'm not. I can't be._ A tear slid down his smooth cheek. _Hinamori, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

_I…I…_

He heard movement from his left, and his senses sprang to life.

An intruder.

Seized by his need to lash out at something other than the unresponsive cave floor, Toushirou swung his zanpakuto with a furious growl.

Hyourinmaru collided with white steel.

"Hitsugaya-taichou, snap out of it!"

… _What?_

The shadows in his vision cleared, making Toushirou's eyes focus.

"K—Kuchiki?" He croaked at the figure who stopped his blade, then at the one behind her. "Matsumoto?"

"Taichou!" Matsumoto shunpoed to his side the moment his blizzard died down, and it was only then that Toushirou realized he was stumbling. But before he could hit the ground, the two women beside him broke his fall and guided him to sit.

"Goodness, taichou, what happened to you?" The pain laced compassion in his lieutenant's voice made the young prodigy look to the floor. "You're cut up all over, and this cave is positively freezing! Staying here for too long can't be good for your health."

"…"

Matsumoto sighed. "Let's just head back, taichou. If we leave now, we'll be able to make it in the 4th—"

"What are you doing here?"

The lovely lieutenant blinked. "What am I—? I've been worried sick about you, taichou! Of course I'd come looking for—"

"I didn't mean you." Toushirou snapped, squashing the regret at the hint of hurt in Matsumoto's expression. "I meant _her._ "

Said her gave a start when his teal eyes spun to meet her violets. "Why are you wasting your time on a monster like me?"

* * *

_Since that awful break up, Rukia hadn't stepped outside the Kuchiki compound, and everyone had been mercifully understanding about that._

_Truth be told, Rukia still didn't feel like coming out of her room yet. It was true that she had fallen ill since her return from the Human World. But while her illness had gone for at least two days now, the feeling of lethargy towards anything remained. All she really wanted to do was curl up in her futon a little bit more and lick at her broken heart's wounds._

_She would have if not for Sode no Shirayuki making a firm stance, and the snow zanpakuto was determined to be heard._

_**/Enough is enough, Rukia-sama! You cannot remain like this. It will not do anyone any good./** _

_Just leave me be for now, Shirayuki._

_**/I have been, in case it missed your attention, for the past five days! And I am starting to see that it was a mistake! I wanted to give you time to grieve your loss, not to destroy yourself in the process!/** _

_Shira—_

_**/I am sorry for what happened. What he did was terrible and cruel, but it is not the worst you had to endure. And you are not as alone as you think! You have friends, family waiting for you and you are letting them down! Or are you telling me that you intend to abandon them the way he did you?/** _

_N—No! That's not—!_

_**/Really? Because you are acting like it! All this moping around, all this self-pity, this is not you! Kuchiki Rukia-sama, my mistress, is a brave, kind and beautiful young lady who can take on anything in the world! And anyone fortunate enough to receive your love should consider themselves damn grateful for it! Do not let Kurosaki Ichigo or anyone else make you feel otherwise!/** _

_Rukia's eyes burned at the conviction in her zanpakuto's voice. Am I really, Sode no Shirayuki? Because right now, I don't feel like it. I don't…I don't even feel anything. I feel like nothing._

_**/…Get up./** _

_Huh?_

_**/Get up. Get dressed. Get out of this manor./** _

_You know I don't feel like—_

_**/You WILL get out of this blasted futon, Kuchiki Rukia, or heaven help me, I will freeze this whole manor and make you deal with your brother's ire on your own!/** _

_While at the beginning, Rukia had cursed and grumbled at Shirayuki for the blackmail, as time went on, the girl found the motions were a welcome distraction. Making herself presentable for a walk outside felt like her tipping over the edge between sleep and wakefulness. It was all automatic, but for the first time in a while, she was spurred by a purpose. A small one, but a purpose, still._

_It made Sode no Shirayuki happy, at any rate._

_After informing the astonished maids of her plans (apparently Nii-sama had left the compound for some "important business", whatever that may be), Rukia found herself wandering the streets of Seireitei in aimless wonder. It was only now that Rukia had seen how Seireitei was recovering after the war. All around her was the sound of merrymaking, the streets hardly occupied because everyone is in a party somewhere._

_**/See, is it not nice to be out of the manor?/** _

_Rukia had to concede to that. I guess. I just don't feel like celebrating with everyone._

_**/That is understandable, but at least now you are not staying cooped up in your room. A breath of fresh air will do you some good./** _

_The young Kuchiki was doubtful about that. She didn't feel any different here compared to being in her room. Everything just seemed so dull, almost monochrome. The heaviness and lack of drive still weighed so heavily in her soul._

_How do I make it go away, Sode no Shirayuki? Rukia clutched at her leaden chest. All this emptiness? This being nothing?_

_**/…I wish I can make it easier for you, hime. I really do./** _ _The snow lady's response was soft and sad._ _**/But I understand that I cannot force you to rush through your grief. You have lost a huge part of yourself, after all, your first love and one of your best friends. The breaking of such a strong bond takes time to recover from./** _

_The raven head shut her eyes and took a breath. Even in the privacy of her mind, Rukia's mental voice had cracked. Will it ever get better? Will I ever be able to bounce back from this, back to how I used to be?_

_**/You can never go back to how you once were, Rukia-sama, but you will heal./** _

_How?_

_**/Getting out of the manor is the first step. The second is finding a reason that will make you sure you stay out./** _

_A reason to stay out? Rukia shook her head. She can't even find a reason to get up from bed, for crying out loud!_

_**/What about returning to your Division? Reinstating to active duty?/** _ _Sode no Shirayuki suggested._

_For what? It's not like they like me in the first place. Other than Ukitake-taichou, Kiyone-san and Sentaro-san, everyone would rather not have me around._

_**/Then get transferred to another division!/** _

_What division would want a half-baked second like me? And I wouldn't want to drag anyone else down because I can'tt do anything right._

_**/Oh for heaven's sake—!/** _

_A chill travelled down Rukia's spine, making her rub her arms. "Is it me or did it just get a little colder?"_

_**/…Now that you mention it,/**_ Sode no Shirayuki gestured upwards. _**/The sky had gone darker too./**_

_Odd. Wasn't it fairly sunny a while ago? The sight of strawberry blonde leaning against a tree caught Rukia's gaze. Surprised at seeing someone else on the street, the girl couldn't help but blurt out. "Matsumoto-fukutaichou?"_

_Matsumoto sprang up from the tree, tensed and alert, until her eyes landed on the other girl. "K—Kuchiki-san?"_

" _Matsumoto-fukutaichou, what are you doing out here?" Actually, what am_ _ **I**_ _doing out here? This is the edge of Seireitei going to the North. Rukia shook the irrelevant thought out of her head. "Aren't you taking part of the festivities?"_

" _No, I'm not really in the mood for that. Surprise, surprise, huh?" The older woman said dryly though with a hint of sadness that made Rukia's eyes narrow slightly._

" _Is everything all right?"_

" _Oh, yes, everything's fine. Fine enough, I'd say. Just…" Matsumoto then ran a hand through her blonde locks in obvious agitation. "Pardon my rudeness, Kuchiki-san, but it is not something I think you should trouble yourself over and I would not wish to impose."_

" _You won't be." Rukia said hurriedly over the protest, surprising both the lieutenant and herself. Wasn't it earlier that she felt so empty and lifeless? Where was this spark coming from? "I know we are from different Divisions and are barely acquaintances, but if there's anything I can do, I'd be glad to help. From the looks of things, it's not a trivial matter, is it?" Someone as normally upbeat as Matsumoto won't be slumped in defeat as if the weight of the world was on her back if it were otherwise._

" _Is it that obvious?" Matsumoto shook her head. "I'm sorry, Kuchiki-san. It's just," a deep breath. "It's my captain, actually."_

" _Hitsugaya-taichou?" Rukia's brow furrowed. She and the snow haired captain may have not interacted much—and definitely not on a personal level— but she was still someone she knew. "Has something happened?"_

" _It's complicated." Matsumoto winced at her words. "You are aware of what happened to Hinamori?"_

" _Last I heard, she got injured during the fight with Aizen. Because everyone thought she was him thanks to that bastard's complete hypnosis." Violet eyes widened. "Oh no, don't tell me—"_

" _She made a full recovery. Physically, I mean." Again, a wince. "But with everything else?"_

_Sympathy welled in Rukia for the poor lieutenant. Hinamori-fukutaichou was not someone Rukia knew very well also, but from what Renji told her, the bun haired girl had been a ball of positivity and kindness who truly believed in the façade Aizen pulled._

_What had that monster done to her?_

" _The sum of it is that…words have been said between her and Hitsugaya-taichou, and he took it. Hard. And he just keeps getting worse." Matsumoto bit her lower lip. "I don't know what to do anymore. Ever since after the war, he's been slowly slipping away because of what happened to Hinamori. I hoped that once she woke up, they'd be able to help each other. But, instead…"_

_The utter hopelessness in Matsumoto's voice spurred the spark in Rukia into a small flame. For the first time in days, there was something other than emptiness._

" _Where is he?"_

" _Huh?" Matsumoto looked taken aback by the sudden firmness in Rukia's voice as she stammered a response. "He—I don't know. He shunpoed past me before I could pick up on his reiatsu. He's definitely not in Seireitei, but I don't know where else he could have gone."_

" _Do you have any idea? At least a general direction?"_

_The older woman frowned thoughtfully. "From the direction he took off, I'd say he went…west, maybe?"_

_Shirayuki, Hitsugaya-taichou is an ice wielder like me. Do you think we'll be able to pick up his reiatsu better than the others because of that?_

_**/I am very familiar with Hyourinmaru-dono's reiatsu. If we come within a certain proximity of him, we'll be able to find him./** _ _Sode no Shirayuki answered affirmatively._

_Good, I'm counting on you._

" _Matsumoto-fukutaichou, let's get your captain back."_

* * *

**" _Why are you wasting your time on a monster like me," he said._**

Rukia frowned while mulling the words over her head at the 10th Division office, waiting for Matsumoto to return after helping Hitsugaya back into his quarters (in other words, making sure he actually stays there).

She and Matsumoto had tried to convince the stubborn captain to head to the 4th Division to have his injuries checked after they found him in that cave, but to no avail. It was obvious that Hitsugaya was agitated at the thought of being anywhere around there, and would rather be left alone to his so-called training.

The snow haired captain stubborn as hell about it too. "I don't need their or anyone's help. I'm still standing, aren't I?"

"Hitsugaya-taichou, your cuts may be shallow, but there's quite a number of them. You should have them looked at."

The glare Hitsugaya pinned at her could have melted a sea of ice. "This has nothing to do with you, Kuchiki—"

"Taichou!" Matsumoto cut in sharply. "Kuchiki-san is just being worried about you, and rightfully so!"

"She should mind her own business! And how many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine!"

The lieutenant snorted. "Tell me that when you can actually stand steady on your own."

" _Matsumoto—_ " Hitsugaya had looked ready to yell (or tear) the older woman's ears off when Rukia finally had enough.

"Stop, please! This argument is not helping!" Rukia stood in between the two feuding Shinigami. "If you don't want to go to the 4th Division, Hitsugaya-taichou, then how about this? It's getting pretty late as it is, so why not just go back to your division with Matsumoto-fukutaichou and call it a day? If you really want to resume your," Rukia forced her tone to remain neutral. " _training_ , you can do so at another time."

Matsumoto balked at the idea of her captain returning to this place, which was understandable. Even the younger girl can tell that the whole thing was less of actual training and more of self-destructive…whatever it really is.

Nevertheless, and probably realizing that it was the only way he can get the two girls off his back, Hitsugaya finally agreed to the compromise (accompanied by much grumbling and sniping). It did not help his mood when Rukia decided to tag along back to the 10th, but the Kuchiki felt obligated to do so. Not to mention she was concerned for both the troubled captain and his anxious lieutenant.

_He sees himself as a monster? Why would Hitsugaya-taichou even think that?_ Rukia wondered. _He has a temper problem, true, and can come off as cold, commanding and uncaring, but I won't go as far as to think of him as one._

_**/Matsumoto-sama spoke of an exchange between him and Hinamori-sama. Could it have something to do with that?/** _

The girl pondered Sode no Shirayuki's input with a tap to her chin. _Now that you mention it, from what Matsumoto-fukutaichou said, that's when things really went downhill for him. But why? Those two are childhood friends, from what I've heard._ Her frown deepened. _Had what Aizen done to Hinamori-fukutaichou pushed their friendship to the breaking point?_

_**/Perhaps. That girl idolized that traitor, did she not?/** _

_Matsumoto-fukutaichou mentioned some words have been said, and he took it hard…_ Rukia's eyes widened. _Could it be—? No, that's not possible. Hinamori-fukutaichou wouldn't do that, would she?_

Rukia couldn't imagine herself calling a dear childhood friend—like Renji— a monster, not unless he did something so vile and unforgiveable to deserve it. But from what she knew, Hitsugaya had never done anything of the sort. If anything, Shinigami Women's Association gossip was that the snow haired captain was in love with her and would never do anything to hurt her (much to the dismay and ire of the Hitsugaya-taichou fan club; yes, apparently, that's a thing).

The sound of a shoji door sliding made Rukia look up from her brooding. Matsumoto had just returned to the office.

* * *

" _Did you have to be so rude to her, taichou?"_

_Matsumoto admonished while she busied herself in preparing her captain's tea. She had just come back from the kitchen after boiling some water at for tea._

_While the woman knew that her captain wasn't the sociable kind, he certainly wasn't an uncouth jerk as some others would believe. Aloof and rather callous, yes, but not purposefully mean. But the way he had been such a cold, harsh jackass to Kuchiki had not only been unusually rude, but also uncalled for. It made Matsumoto frustrated because it meant that her captain was growing into a looser canon by the day, and guilty because it was her fault that the younger girl had been targeted by her captain's ire._

_An ire that, by the looks of it, has not eased at all from Hitsugaya. The boy captain's scowl remained in place while sitting beside his futon even after he had changed from his shredded shihakusho and captain haori into a plain blue yukata. "She had no right to nose in on my affairs."_

" _She was only trying to help. And if you're going to blame someone for that, blame me! I was the one who asked for her help because you're almost downright impossible to find whenever you take off like that!"_

" _Then why did you bother? I was doing—"_

_Matsumoto breathed out noisily. "You were this close to keeling over! You could have seriously gotten hurt if we hadn't gotten to you on time! How many times do I have to remind you, taichou?"_

" _The same number of times I have to remind you to stay out of my way!" Hitsugaya met her sigh with a glower, springing to his feet. "I'm not some kid who needs looking after. I can do that for myself just damn fine! Just like I've always had for more than a fucking century!"_

" _Taichou, now you're just being unreasonable—!"_

" _I will not take any more of this questioning or your insubordination, Matsumoto!" The woman stiffened when she felt the temperature drop in the room. "I am a Shinigami and your captain, and I will not have my lieutenant treat me like a petulant child!"_

_I would if you stopped acting like one. Matsumoto had to ground her teeth together to not say that out loud._

_She knew that Hitsugaya was going through so much, having lost his childhood friend and his (not so) secret love to Aizen in a way worse than death. She knew that he was suffering from something far more than mere anger or a simple temper management problem. But it was getting harder and harder for her to hold on to sympathy and compassion for her captain when she is constantly under fire from his unpredictable fits of rage._

_Especially when she herself had her own problems and losses to deal with._

" _If you really feel bad over what happened with Kuchiki, then go and apologize to her yourself, since you admitted that it was your fault for dragging her into this in the first place!" Hitsugaya pointed at the door forcefully. "If there's nothing else worth my time, Matsumoto, you may leave."_

" _But—"_

" _I said you. May. LEAVE!"_

_The lieutenant bit her inner cheek so hard she was drawing iron, but there was nothing else she could do. At least, nothing within her power or her rank. And it appeared she had already stretched what little patience Hitsugaya had left. All she could do now was to give the boy some time to rest and cool his head for tomorrow._

_The same thing she did yesterday and the several days before that._

_Sighing in surrender, Matsumoto picked up her tray and left with a terse "Excuse me, taichou," without so much as looking at the boy._

_And when the door was slid with a harsh snap behind her, it took all of Matsumoto's remaining strength to not succumb to the desire to throw said tray to the other side of the wall._

* * *

**"I'm so sorry for the way my captain was with you earlier, Kuchiki-san."**

Rukia made a placating gesture over the cup of tea Matsumoto just served her. "Don't worry about it. I can tell he's had quite a rough day. And thank you for the tea."

"No need to thank me. It's the least I could do." The lieutenant smiled, but Rukia can tell that it didn't quite reach her eyes. "After taking so much of your time to find that ungrateful superior of mine. Oooh, honestly!"

"I'm just glad I could help, Matsumoto-fukutaichou." The petite Shinigami took a sip of her tea before frowning. "I'm concerned, though. Do you think he'll do something like this again?"

Matsumoto grimaced while pouring herself an ochoko of sake. "From what I can tell, most likely. As early as tomorrow, even." The blonde then downed the sake in one gulp. "And once he pulls the rank card, there's nothing I can do to stop him unless something serious happens."

Rukia was flabbergasted. "But your taichou hurting himself through training _is_ a serious problem!"

Matsumoto sent her a "Don't you think I know that?" look. "Serious in the sense that he's starting to become a danger to Gotei 13 and Seireitei."

"And to himself?" Rukia let out a frustrated breath. "What about asking the other captains for help? I'm sure my taichou will step up to the opportunity. He has always been fond of Hitsugaya-taichou."

"He already is. Ukitake-taichou's doing his best, considering that he has a Division to think of too. But lately…" Sky blue eyes dimmed in obvious sadness. "Taichou…he's drifting further and further from anyone's reach. And after what happened with Hinamori…"

Rukia's heart clenched with sympathy, knowing full well what it was like to be torn apart by someone so dearly loved. It also ached for Matsumoto, who Rukia could tell was at nearing the end of her tither as well. How can Hitsugaya not see what his anger-induced self-harm was doing to his lieutenant, who was visibly suffering as well? Thinking of Ichimaru Gin may still make Rukia uncomfortable, but she had heard how close the man had been to Matsumoto, and how Matsumoto was still in the process of moving on from his death.

And then a thought hit her like a ton of bricks.

_Is that what I've been doing…all this time?_ She thought of Renji, who would always go to visit her even when she refused to see him or anyone else, who would talk outside her door even when she wouldn't come out of her room. She thought of her brother, who gave her as much space as she always asked for, who may be facing the wrath of the other clan nobles for tolerating her wallowing in self-pity. She thought of Ukitake, Kiyone and Sentaro, who have been nothing but considerate and vocally supportive of her wanting to take leave despite the Division being short-handed as it is.

_Am I doing to them what Hitsugaya-taichou is doing to Matsumoto-fukutaichou? By indulging in my pain and despair, I've become a burden! I've added to their pain! Everyone's got something to move on from in this damn war, but instead of helping them, I've become part of the problem!_ Her fists curled in her lap. _How can I let this happen? How could I do this to them? To the very few people I have left who still care about me and support me?_

_**/…You were in a bad place, hime. And even until now you still are./**_ Sode no Shirayuki said gently. _**/It is not a sign of weakness, but of you needing help. You have been holding everything in by yourself, and that is what is dragging you down./**_

Rukia shook her head. _No! I refuse to be selfish anymore! I'm done being weak and useless! It's just a break up! It's not the end of the world! I have still people who I need to fight for, and people who I can help! I'm not letting what happened with…him…be the end of me!_

_**/Rukia-sama, are you not being too hasty about this? We just managed to get you out of bed again after so long./** _

_I…_

"—san? Kuchiki-san?" Rukia's attention shifted from her mental conversation to a concerned looking Matsumoto.

"Oh, pardon me, Matsumoto-fukutaichou. I was just having a talk with my zanpakuto." Rukia cleared her throat. "You were saying?"

The lieutenant smiled in understanding. "No need to apologize. That kind of thing sometimes happens with all of us Shinigami, especially for those like us who are very close to our swords. Anyway, I was just asking if you wanted to return home now? It is getting quite late."

"Oh…" A quick look outside registered dark purple skies and dim moonlight. "Oh! Crap, I have to get back! I wasn't able to tell Nii-sama personally where I'll be going! He's going to kill me!"

"I'll escort you." Matsumoto rose from her seat. "I was the one who kept you, after all. I'll be the one to explain everything to him."

"There's no need for that, Matsumoto—"

"It's fine, Kuchiki-san. Least I could do for your help, after all." Matsumoto winked. "Besides, it's an opportunity to get up and close with the sexiest captain in the Gotei 13. Though considering that this is about why I kept his precious baby sister out so late, this might not end well for me."

"M—Matsumoto-fukutaichou!" Rukia knew Byakuya was mighty attractive (the Women's Association wouldn't stop fawning about it for decades), but she could never get used to everyone lauding her nii-sama, who she held in such a light bathed pedestal, with suggestive compliments.

Matsumoto took one look at her bright red face and laughed. "Aww, it's so cute the way you're so easily embarrassed! Relax, Kuchiki-taichou's too much like my captain for my tastes anyway. Though you have to admit, he's an absolute looker!"

" _Matsumoto—!"_

"Kidding, kidding! Wow, you almost sounded like taichou for a minute there." Matsumoto's face turned sober then. "In all seriousness, though, Kuchiki-san."

The change in tone made Rukia's mind reel back. "Y—Yes?"

"Thank you, for helping me with him and for talking to me like this." The buxom woman swallowed. "It's…it's been a while since I got to talk with anyone anything other than work or…Gin. Even when you have your own problems to deal with."

"Ah, please think nothing of it! As I've said, I'm just glad to help." The girl sighed sadly. "Also, whatever I'm dealing with is nothing compared to you two. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know."

"Oh, I wouldn't think of troubling you further—"

"I mean it. Even if it's just to talk. I'll listen. I promise."

Matsumoto gave her a watery smile. "You really are a helpful little darling, aren't you? All right. I'll…keep it in mind."

… _Ne, Shirayuki?_

_**/Yes, Rukia-sama?/** _

_You said I needed a reason to stay motivated and out of bed, right?_

Shirayuki paused, having obviously realized where this was going. _**/…And?/**_

The images of Matsumoto's grateful smile tinged with sadness, of Hitsugaya's lost and broken eyes behind his cracked mask of anger, and the sound of resignation in the captain's haunting words.

" _ **Why are you wasting your time on a monster like me?"**_

The emptiness still surrounded her, but deep within a fire was burning…

_**/Rukia-sama?/** _

_I think I have just found one._

* * *

I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY.

LET THE STORM RAGE ON.

THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY.

* * *

Yay! The second chapter is on, finally! I have it sitting in my hard drive for forever but never got around posting it.

Is the formatting a bit too confusing? I'll see if I can re read it and change it if it's needed. Would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Thanks again for reading. 😊

Today's Song: Let It Go by Idina Menzel

(Right on time for Frozen II!)


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